My 3 kids

My three kids will always be mine no matter how old they think they are.

There's Samantha Lynn, Lynn for me and Samantha for her father Sam - My
first born who as a child made motherhood so very special - such a learning
experience, such a revelation of life all put together with a very special love of
your first born child. You make my chest tighten up with so much emotion for
you faced the world face on taking everything in like a brand new sponge.
Absorbing everything your little body could take in and so fast sometimes it
was hard keeping up with you but what a rush

Then there was Angie Marie - she was named for my mother - She's my baby
girl, my very own "middle child". I was so afraid and not so brave when it
came to actually having you, but you were brave enough for both of us -
because you insisted on arriving anyway. You showed me that sharing in a
love I never thought could be expanded on was very easy - question was did
I have enough love to include another life to my family and the answer was
you and how you showed me I could. You brought with you your very own
special person, just being you.

My two little stinkers - I mean my little girls. You two made life so incredible -
the giggles, having my bold one and my shy one playing your little girl jokes
on me. Trying to tickle mom with your little bony fingers that sometimes
hurt more than they tickled - but it was so much fun when I could stop
laughing enough to get a few tickles of my own watching you girls fall down
giggling and holding your sides trying to get away from me and my tickling
fingers

Then there was Sam Jr - yeah he was named for his daddy too. Our baby
son we never expected to have - surprise - he had a smile and a personality
that took over our life. My Sunny Bunny, who took an already wonderful
life that was so bright with love and brighten it to utter brilliance. My baby.

We were now a complete family.....

These three children made us a family - they took the love that Sam & I had
for each other and made it remarkable. They made it easy being Mom, they
took my love and returned it with an unconditional love that only a small
child seems to be able to do without question.

Looking back, I know that the Lord blessed Sam & I by trusting us to take
care of these special children and sincerely from the bottom of my heart -
If asked to do it all over again, I wouldn't even hesitate - I'd do it all over
again in a heartbeat.

So all I have to say is Thank You Lord for sharing them with us. I could not
have asked for anything more in my life - because I've had it all already.

The Lady who loved me

I don't know why the rain insisted I wake up
It was not in me to question why
I only responded as I knew I should
Upon waking I felt misplaced sleep still laden on
my mind. I felt groggy and neither here or
there, you know - just plain out of it.

But as I laid there listening to the sound of the rain
just listening, hearing the flat, fat plop, plop - of
large rain drops of cold wet water
landing all around me.

I remembered just how simple life was and as a child
who was loved not because I was of her blood, but
because in her eyes I was special, especially to her

So laying there listening to the rain, I was
remembering how much she cared for me - enough
to let me go as her very own children threaten
to have me taken away from her
you see she was already in her 60's

And as my tears joined the drops of rain, I also remembered
how she insisted I learn her teaching - God bless her -
It was the basic stuff, like right & wrong and to love,
honor and obey your elders

Now I see her teachings in the values I have taught my own
children, the very simple learnings of a small wonderful
women - who opened her home and even more, her heart

Realizing as the rain continued to fall - I was the lucky one.
lucky to be her little girl by her own choice. The lady who
loved me and allowed me to call her Mom.

Freak Flood

Somehow in the last few months I've
lost the words.....frozen deep inside
my soul, refusing my plea for rebirth
they continue to hide from everything
I thought I was

And then last night it happened.....

With the wreck of my life, with the mistakes
I can only claim as my own, the words
told the story without any help from me. The
secrets that ate at the person I hide
within myself

The words ran from me like a massive freak
flood, one after another telling my story.
A story that wasn't very pretty, but seriously it
was differently mine to tell.

And once spoken, I could never take it back -
so I laid my life open like a well read thriller
that scares the living daylights out of you - but
you can't stop reading. Even days later when
everything should have passed for ordinary thought
it still kicked you where it hurts the most.

They say, and this confuses me for who are these
people who say - "truth is healing?" Well if asked I'd
have to say I don't know if that's possible, because
even in truth I lost so much. Things I'll never take for
granted again.

Things like trust, honor, the love of ones whole life. Just
because I thought I had to have more - well in my hour of
breakdown as I thought I needed to explain myself
in a depth I should have left alone - I lost the very existence
of myself.

Things I never expected to reveal - I gave it all away
never thinking about how much this could hurt.

Myself, I've even lost myself - I surely lost any respect
of the listener of my sad tale. So in my loss - I'll once again
hide my soul even deeper than before, trying to once
again to bury my secret so deep within I expect to die
intact with secret buried within my soul.

Where that night they should have stayed.

Gina -02/18/1970 - 01/01/2009-

Sleep was so far away leaving in it's wake
the knowledge that today was going to be so hard

and with a sigh it was more than hard
feeling the grief to your very depth of oneself
the question would arise
why - just why

soberly, I would go with the friends that in
one year, you brought together
and two by two we walked up to you.

This was our final goodbye

there were days that slipped away
having brought so much sorrow
with stunning amazement that left us bare
to our very soul

as we sat with time to ponder our thoughts
and the many seconds to reflect so many events
they all featured you, just being Gina

and on the wide screen there were multiple
visions of you in so many various stages
as one slipped into another one
we sat and watched your life come together