I sing a song

Everyday I sing a song And some days it's very long When people hear me sing my song They stop and start to sing along. Every morning I wake up humming Reaching the tune for words to follow And this starts my daily song It's all so cheerful So even when I lack for words I keep right on singing my day away Feb 21, 1985

TOTALLY BEST FRIENDS

I was sitting at your table listening to a conversation
that was not mine - but this didn't stop me from listening.

I heard some giggles and plans for later
when everyone had left and it was just the two of you.
Thinking back to another conversation that
was so very much mine!

We were on our way to work - just you and I,
when you asked me, "how I knew?"
Driving and trying to fathom what
exactly you were asking me
kind of in a fog.

But you on the other hand was on mission,
hardly stopping to take a breath "well Mom,
when do you know when to be a Mom and
when to be a friend to us kids?"

I seem to remember - and of course my memory is iffy,
at the best of times, randomly saying "I just seemed to know.

Which wasn't what you wanted to hear!
stating that as much as you loved how your
Dad and I raised you - it wasn't for you.

You were so sure about what you were saying.

Now, years have gone by since we had that conversation
and imagine my surpise as I heard you and Gabby being
just the best of friends.

Thinking to myself - it reminded me of you kids
growing up at home.

Even though I am the Mom - and now the Grandmother too,
I had the very best of friends, My Sammie, Angie and Little Sam.
Smiling to myself it sounded like Gabby was your very best friend

Yeah, somehow along the way, you had figured it all out -
wondering to myself if you even knew that Gabby was your
very best friend.

My daughter, the mom and her very best friend,
As I chuckled to myself smiling at how wonderful
thing just have a way of coming full circle.

even for those so unwilling to accept the challenge
where the challenge becomes the way of things.

CHRISTY

I have always warned the people who come into my life and stay awhile, it's only fair to say there are reasons why these people have touched my life...and often more than not, they end up at the tip of my pen as I put thought to paper

Establishing their place in the pattern I call my life.

Well enough said...

Christy came to us through Gina
She brought her wit and a curious ken
And when Gina left, Christy stayed,
making the four of us the five of us.

The five of us shared plenty of crazy
anecdotes all mixed up
as we laughed
and cried and we shared our lives

Then came the day we knew Christ was leaving.
She needed to relocate, and family was always
to come first...but in my heart I refused to believe
knowing the day would come, but accepting
sometimes really too hard to do.

I have always had a special gift of words - and
so did Christy - It was awesome to be able to share
something so meaningfull.

I will miss her so much
She had a way of broadening my horizon
Making me rethink the words

...in a world when the words sometimes
mean too many things, She will be missed.

Reflections

Last night as I lay in my bed,
eyes tightly shut,
on the very edge of sleep
Sleep that I so badly needed

I saw a window of reflection open up,
and as I leaned forward
to peer inside I was gently
pulled within

And through the darkness of night
a bright light guided me as
the reflection appeared more clear

I saw people, special friends
events that were a part of my life
I saw much family more than I ever imagined
would bless my life so entirely
I saw the way my Lord had shaped my path
even as he shaped my inner soul.

I saw loved ones who had already left
this world for a better place

I felt the tears that slipped from my eyes
for the happiness, the sadness, the very essence
of life, I quietly slipped into sleep

Upon waking, I remembered my visit
with the reflections of my life,
knowing the Loard has blessed
me beyond belief

So as I celebrate the birth of Christ
and I watch a new dawn
of a new year unfold before me

I find myself opening to joy, peace
and much love.

Giving thanks where thanks is due
To my heavenly Father.

RIGHT HERE

For days, I continued to bounce off walls
The words that slept within were becoming restless
Their space too confining
So serious in their effort to come out to play
And thus, it begins again.

In my younger years, I thought I needed more
So I became greedy in my search
For I had a need that was all elusive.

I fought so hard in my desperation
For a love that equaled so much more
Making my search sometimes so ruthless.

Now, I look and I question this need
That feeling I thought I needed more of
and I finally see.

I already had the more, but was blinded by my greed
I took getting older, noticing I never mentioned wiser
fearing I'd see the doubt

I look at my family - my daughters and son
The grandchildren my children gave to me
and my heart melts with too much emotion
Pouring over me in waves of emotional bliss

So I look at the man sitting in corner
whose grown old with me,
who walked by my side and helped me with
The family we can sincerely call our own.

Realizing the more has always been there.
Here - right here.

My Work Family

I know these hallways well, have walked each and every one more than once.
It makes me think, about the people who have come and gone through my life and
the many who are still here. Walking right along with me still.

Most people just call this a job, and I value the paycheck more than I can say and I respect the daily contact I have maintained through out these many years.

But the friends I call my own, noticing that I do lay claim to them and the many faces that I have no name - just the faces - a face that is just as familiar as these hallways I've walked. Even nameless, theres' an acknowledgment there.

They make up what I call my daily life and yeah, it's just a job, but it's as familiar to me as my home. The people in unusual way have become an extension of my family, I guess I want to say that I've grown accustom to them in my life.

There is no blood shared, but we've shared plenty;
Enough happiness with plenty of laughter, shared
Some tears of joy, along with the tears of sadness, shared
We've grieved together, the losses,
the pain associated with these losses, shared
Our accomplishments and goals - our let downs, so shared

I can see plainly we've taken care of each other, by our sharing.
As far as I know - that's what families do
The giving and receiving of care well done, so freely
The sharing, just being there for each other.

Making me so much aware of the people who I share so much of my life with,
the other half of me that is not my Husband Sam, My children Samantha, Angie
and Sam Jr along with the grandbabies I will always treasure so much, but
the people I call good friends, are good people.

The group of people I share a unit with, my team.
It dawned on me that I miss them while I have been playing on this detail,
and I can't wait to see them - all of them.

note: I started working at the IRS, Dec 14, 1984. the Butler site for the Fresno Service Center became kind of like another family to me. A big family, I am proud to say I have friends everywhere in the service center. This is what I saw each and everyday. When I retire, I will be happy to retire, but I will miss the family that I made there in those walls.

My one true friend

It started with this morning as I drove to work My music was loud and playing my favorites when I hear Bette Midler, words of a song sung about friends - best friends

and hey I'll be the first to say my memory doesn't belong to me no more and sometimes a song or word will nudge me a bit and the memories come flooding in, blowing me away.

I remembered a prococious 3 year old, blonde baby fine hair riding this tricycle that was bigger than the both of us. I was 5 and Cathy was my very first greatest friendships I've ever had. She was my childhood and adulthood with a spattering of teenhood thrown in.

Even when I didn't keep the promises that I'd made to her and believe me I made a few. I found myself lost in love with Sam. He was mine and I had every intention of keeping him, knowing that I was leaving Cathy behind - I left her to fend for herself.

I can only say I am so glad she is still a part of my life and that she wants to be in my life.

I quickly hit repeat - the song was tearing me apart emotionally, I'm close to 60 now just a few years away and as the words hit me I was trying to put all the years together, accessing all the people who had at sometime or other been a part of my life. There have been many who have come, stayed awhile and left - and the memories have faded away.

OMG - a new nieghbor - I didn't even let myself stop and think, as I ran out the door rushing forward to a young lady who became my first sister by choice. For a few years we lived inside each others pocket, home, car and often so late at night after spending most of the day together with our ears pressed tightly to the phone as we happily laughed, cried and planned our next adventure. The wall between our apartments could never keep us apart.

I know I hurt you when I moved to Stockton and after two years and the loss of Dan we were back home in Fresno. God it was so good being back with my old friend.

Then she hurt me - she told me that because of Joe, she needed to move back to Texas. She needed her family there to help make her life better; but mostly for emotional support. I was selfish thinking only of myself, thinking I needed her more. She left and I hurt so badly that I refused to tell her goodbye and how much I was going to miss her.

It took a couple of years and I knew that I needed to find her and tell her I was sorry and that I missed her so much. With a little research I found a website with her last name, and I begged people who might know her "to tell her I missed her" - I left my name and email address and then I forgot about it.

One day as I was checking my email I got a msg. "if this is my Mickey, this is Gloria". I am so thankful and it warms my heart that Gloria is still a part of my life. In the short time that we lived next door to each other, she taught me what a real sister should have given me and never did.

The one's who've stayed, my co-workers of the last 11 years, are my other family and I treasure each and everyone of them.
Carolyn, Lora, Ruth, David, Damiem, Tab, Carol, Maria M, Maria S, Sandy, Stan, Jenny, Janet, Maggie, Blanche and Paulett. There have been too many over the years that are so special to me, special people who shared the same humor, values as I do.

Reaching over I hit repeat once more....

My emotions were raw, thinking of Lora, who became my sister by choice because I needed her - where friendship became so much more. Lora is my sister and all of a sudden I am all choked up, what a precious gift to have. We've each learned how easy it was to become sisters, we cared for each other

and..
with my great need for understanding, she understands me - Lora, my SBC with the full understanding of what it take to be me and she accepts me as I am.

Then late last night, out of the blue I told Stan - he's the older brother I never had. Thinking for years I've had a sister by choice, why not a brother. Not sure why I felt I needed to put into words what Stan meant to me. Sometimes, you just need to say the words.

So in my life, I've had some really special friends, who became more - they've become the family I never had growing up. I guess it was a need that required filling, and these special people were there for me.

True friends - what a special thing to have in your life, as I hear the words to a song one more time.

as it touches my heart.

Dan Today

Feb 16, 2010 - has come and passed once again
You are never far from my daily thoughts
never understanding what prompted the
incoming thought - it just does

I think things that of course cannot
enlighten me to the many thoughts today brings
I wonder if everyday you watch over us
It's incredibly awful when the person who
totally understood me is so gone from my life
that it leaves me sometimes so lost

May everyday that brings us closer to you
bring with it the need to be with you.
How we'll finally be at peace
Just knowing we've found you again

Our Sam always thinking of you, every day
by keeping you so close to his heart

I just feel so cold and
I truely believe it's your loss
that brought the cold.

I don't hate this day anymore, it
just reminds me how longs it's been since
you were here with us.

Dan Yesterday

All the nights through that has passed us by
and in the last few days - you would come to me while
I slept.

You sat by my side on the edge of my bed.
Gently whispering my name
lightly cupping my face - which is
something you always did to me. Especially
when you needed me to listen.
Pay attention you say
Do you remember the night long ago?
A night of great knowledge -
the we learned so well?
A night that what you needed most.

You looked deep into my eyes as if
looking there you would find a answer
and I thought my answer would never be enough
wondering for you and for me
if it would ever be enough

Wondering how after more than 20 years
the pain could still threaten to knock me down
the deep radiating pain that never leaves.

You looked so good to me.
talking to me - remembering about
days gone by...
We laughed and I cried
realizing I would always miss you

and...
My unconditional love would always be yours.

In your own words, that was something you
would aways need from me.
Sadly, it wasn't enough.

It's the Music

It's the music that prompts the words
that refuse to be held at bay
escaping as they fight for freedom

Overwhelming the thought process
insisting on being heard
Above all else - I find they really loud.

Like waves upon a ocean waters
one after another without fail
and the words have a mind of their own
They own them

they refuse to be silenced
they refuse to be put away
for a better time - making me wonder
if there's ever a better time.

So I let them come out to play
tumbling quickly upon me
I try to get them all down before I
lose them, but they're often in a great hurry
and I have lost a few along the way.

and afterwards I just check it out
and sigh....!!!!