RIGHT HERE

For days, I continued to bounce off walls
The words that slept within were becoming restless
Their space too confining
So serious in their effort to come out to play
And thus, it begins again.

In my younger years, I thought I needed more
So I became greedy in my search
For I had a need that was all elusive.

I fought so hard in my desperation
For a love that equaled so much more
Making my search sometimes so ruthless.

Now, I look and I question this need
That feeling I thought I needed more of
and I finally see.

I already had the more, but was blinded by my greed
I took getting older, noticing I never mentioned wiser
fearing I'd see the doubt

I look at my family - my daughters and son
The grandchildren my children gave to me
and my heart melts with too much emotion
Pouring over me in waves of emotional bliss

So I look at the man sitting in corner
whose grown old with me,
who walked by my side and helped me with
The family we can sincerely call our own.

Realizing the more has always been there.
Here - right here.

Only A Dream

It's one of those crazy days
I feel sad - can't seem the shake the feeling
I hear the music playing
I hear the talking and the laughter
that surround the background
but this day has pierced my heart

And all I want to do
is close myself off
hear nothing
feel even less

close up and cherish my sadness
wishing it was only a dream
and I could wake up
only a dream, but it seems
that someone wishes to break me and
knock me to the ground

just can't let it go
with the silent window
just hanging around
if I could only just wake up!

Not at all

Sometimes when I least expect it
The questions - the many questions
That have plagued my life for so many years
force their way forward
to collect into so many
unanswered sentences never mind the answer.

Often, when this happens
I try so hard to play up to the distractions
that are so common throughout my everyday
Things that can't be expressed
because to say the words
who would understand?

It's the darkness these questions
answers' would fill
The whys & why nots of ones life
I know deep inside - there are those things
you don't want to talk about
things you try to bury so deep within

Sometimes I wonder who else feels this way
and who else has these same questions
I know Dan did and he was the one
who always understood

My desire for considerly more to my life
I think these question have plagued me all my life
It took Dan away, from me as easily as can be
without ever giving up the hope that is just
out of reach.

those stuborn helpless disturbing feelings...

Sometimes, I wonder if and I do mean the "if"
because when I am bothered by this - I wonder
can the answers suddenly drop into my lap
free of charge, no pressures or thoughts
and then what would I do?

I don't know
I just don't know...

and right now I guess I just don't care...,
because why care when the whys has aluded me for years

not at all!
but when I don't keep my guard up
I am ambused
Knocking me to my knees
branding me with it's plea to understand

But how can I when it has taken so much
from me all ready.

not at all!

My Anger

I find my self so annoyed
in retrospect - just everything ticks me off
The older I get the more things in life
make me wonder "what the bleep is going on"?
wishing someone would stop and explain to me

No one has answers, No one can explain
So I find myself upset & mad alot
because as I continue to seek
it all becomes an elusive story with me
playing the part of the lost soul

And when I least expect it...

It washes over me - leaving the many bruises
I cannot hide!
leaving me breathless & wordless
to a point of fear - leaving me unprotected.
Unbalance and floundering.

I hate the anger - I hate the unknown

It tears me up inside, leaving me hollow
to the point I feel empty
wasted - without any recourse.

and who, pray tell do you tell
who would even understand?
wishing I could turn it off
but it's so hard to do - filled
along with the pain
that only I must endure.