My one true friend

It started with this morning as I drove to work My music was loud and playing my favorites when I hear Bette Midler, words of a song sung about friends - best friends

and hey I'll be the first to say my memory doesn't belong to me no more and sometimes a song or word will nudge me a bit and the memories come flooding in, blowing me away.

I remembered a prococious 3 year old, blonde baby fine hair riding this tricycle that was bigger than the both of us. I was 5 and Cathy was my very first greatest friendships I've ever had. She was my childhood and adulthood with a spattering of teenhood thrown in.

Even when I didn't keep the promises that I'd made to her and believe me I made a few. I found myself lost in love with Sam. He was mine and I had every intention of keeping him, knowing that I was leaving Cathy behind - I left her to fend for herself.

I can only say I am so glad she is still a part of my life and that she wants to be in my life.

I quickly hit repeat - the song was tearing me apart emotionally, I'm close to 60 now just a few years away and as the words hit me I was trying to put all the years together, accessing all the people who had at sometime or other been a part of my life. There have been many who have come, stayed awhile and left - and the memories have faded away.

OMG - a new nieghbor - I didn't even let myself stop and think, as I ran out the door rushing forward to a young lady who became my first sister by choice. For a few years we lived inside each others pocket, home, car and often so late at night after spending most of the day together with our ears pressed tightly to the phone as we happily laughed, cried and planned our next adventure. The wall between our apartments could never keep us apart.

I know I hurt you when I moved to Stockton and after two years and the loss of Dan we were back home in Fresno. God it was so good being back with my old friend.

Then she hurt me - she told me that because of Joe, she needed to move back to Texas. She needed her family there to help make her life better; but mostly for emotional support. I was selfish thinking only of myself, thinking I needed her more. She left and I hurt so badly that I refused to tell her goodbye and how much I was going to miss her.

It took a couple of years and I knew that I needed to find her and tell her I was sorry and that I missed her so much. With a little research I found a website with her last name, and I begged people who might know her "to tell her I missed her" - I left my name and email address and then I forgot about it.

One day as I was checking my email I got a msg. "if this is my Mickey, this is Gloria". I am so thankful and it warms my heart that Gloria is still a part of my life. In the short time that we lived next door to each other, she taught me what a real sister should have given me and never did.

The one's who've stayed, my co-workers of the last 11 years, are my other family and I treasure each and everyone of them.
Carolyn, Lora, Ruth, David, Damiem, Tab, Carol, Maria M, Maria S, Sandy, Stan, Jenny, Janet, Maggie, Blanche and Paulett. There have been too many over the years that are so special to me, special people who shared the same humor, values as I do.

Reaching over I hit repeat once more....

My emotions were raw, thinking of Lora, who became my sister by choice because I needed her - where friendship became so much more. Lora is my sister and all of a sudden I am all choked up, what a precious gift to have. We've each learned how easy it was to become sisters, we cared for each other

and..
with my great need for understanding, she understands me - Lora, my SBC with the full understanding of what it take to be me and she accepts me as I am.

Then late last night, out of the blue I told Stan - he's the older brother I never had. Thinking for years I've had a sister by choice, why not a brother. Not sure why I felt I needed to put into words what Stan meant to me. Sometimes, you just need to say the words.

So in my life, I've had some really special friends, who became more - they've become the family I never had growing up. I guess it was a need that required filling, and these special people were there for me.

True friends - what a special thing to have in your life, as I hear the words to a song one more time.

as it touches my heart.

Dan Today

Feb 16, 2010 - has come and passed once again
You are never far from my daily thoughts
never understanding what prompted the
incoming thought - it just does

I think things that of course cannot
enlighten me to the many thoughts today brings
I wonder if everyday you watch over us
It's incredibly awful when the person who
totally understood me is so gone from my life
that it leaves me sometimes so lost

May everyday that brings us closer to you
bring with it the need to be with you.
How we'll finally be at peace
Just knowing we've found you again

Our Sam always thinking of you, every day
by keeping you so close to his heart

I just feel so cold and
I truely believe it's your loss
that brought the cold.

I don't hate this day anymore, it
just reminds me how longs it's been since
you were here with us.

Dan Yesterday

All the nights through that has passed us by
and in the last few days - you would come to me while
I slept.

You sat by my side on the edge of my bed.
Gently whispering my name
lightly cupping my face - which is
something you always did to me. Especially
when you needed me to listen.
Pay attention you say
Do you remember the night long ago?
A night of great knowledge -
the we learned so well?
A night that what you needed most.

You looked deep into my eyes as if
looking there you would find a answer
and I thought my answer would never be enough
wondering for you and for me
if it would ever be enough

Wondering how after more than 20 years
the pain could still threaten to knock me down
the deep radiating pain that never leaves.

You looked so good to me.
talking to me - remembering about
days gone by...
We laughed and I cried
realizing I would always miss you

and...
My unconditional love would always be yours.

In your own words, that was something you
would aways need from me.
Sadly, it wasn't enough.

It's the Music

It's the music that prompts the words
that refuse to be held at bay
escaping as they fight for freedom

Overwhelming the thought process
insisting on being heard
Above all else - I find they really loud.

Like waves upon a ocean waters
one after another without fail
and the words have a mind of their own
They own them

they refuse to be silenced
they refuse to be put away
for a better time - making me wonder
if there's ever a better time.

So I let them come out to play
tumbling quickly upon me
I try to get them all down before I
lose them, but they're often in a great hurry
and I have lost a few along the way.

and afterwards I just check it out
and sigh....!!!!

Only A Dream

It's one of those crazy days
I feel sad - can't seem the shake the feeling
I hear the music playing
I hear the talking and the laughter
that surround the background
but this day has pierced my heart

And all I want to do
is close myself off
hear nothing
feel even less

close up and cherish my sadness
wishing it was only a dream
and I could wake up
only a dream, but it seems
that someone wishes to break me and
knock me to the ground

just can't let it go
with the silent window
just hanging around
if I could only just wake up!

Not at all

Sometimes when I least expect it
The questions - the many questions
That have plagued my life for so many years
force their way forward
to collect into so many
unanswered sentences never mind the answer.

Often, when this happens
I try so hard to play up to the distractions
that are so common throughout my everyday
Things that can't be expressed
because to say the words
who would understand?

It's the darkness these questions
answers' would fill
The whys & why nots of ones life
I know deep inside - there are those things
you don't want to talk about
things you try to bury so deep within

Sometimes I wonder who else feels this way
and who else has these same questions
I know Dan did and he was the one
who always understood

My desire for considerly more to my life
I think these question have plagued me all my life
It took Dan away, from me as easily as can be
without ever giving up the hope that is just
out of reach.

those stuborn helpless disturbing feelings...

Sometimes, I wonder if and I do mean the "if"
because when I am bothered by this - I wonder
can the answers suddenly drop into my lap
free of charge, no pressures or thoughts
and then what would I do?

I don't know
I just don't know...

and right now I guess I just don't care...,
because why care when the whys has aluded me for years

not at all!
but when I don't keep my guard up
I am ambused
Knocking me to my knees
branding me with it's plea to understand

But how can I when it has taken so much
from me all ready.

not at all!

My Anger

I find my self so annoyed
in retrospect - just everything ticks me off
The older I get the more things in life
make me wonder "what the bleep is going on"?
wishing someone would stop and explain to me

No one has answers, No one can explain
So I find myself upset & mad alot
because as I continue to seek
it all becomes an elusive story with me
playing the part of the lost soul

And when I least expect it...

It washes over me - leaving the many bruises
I cannot hide!
leaving me breathless & wordless
to a point of fear - leaving me unprotected.
Unbalance and floundering.

I hate the anger - I hate the unknown

It tears me up inside, leaving me hollow
to the point I feel empty
wasted - without any recourse.

and who, pray tell do you tell
who would even understand?
wishing I could turn it off
but it's so hard to do - filled
along with the pain
that only I must endure.